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[Friday
June 5th, 2009 at 12:12pm] |
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I hate this habit of replaying conversations in my head, and nitpicking everything I said.
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| Faith |
[Sunday
January 25th, 2009 at 12:28pm] |
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I don't know
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| For Kimi |
[Sunday
January 18th, 2009 at 8:58am] |
I deleted and rewrote this entry many times. Maybe I just like to see how the backspace key eats up all the words. YUM YUM YUM. I would eat letters over hamburgers, any day of the week.
I was on my way to X, a nearby town. By train, which is one of my favourite transport vehicles (despite the nightmares that I have, but that's a story for another day). And while I was reading Das Parfum (in German because I really don't want to fail my German exam even if I know it will happen it's kind of like the same certainty old people have when they are about to die) and pressing my head to the window glass, which I shouldn't have done in retrospect because God knows what has touched that glass, two people joined me in the compartment.
The first one, a black lady in her mid forties, sat down a couple of seats before me, so the only thing I could see were her feet. The bald white guy decided to sit across from me. His legs were huge tentacles and if that wasn't enough he also had his suitcase with him.
Questions suddenly arose in my mind: is going on a trip? to where? africa? asia? the moon? Is he a terrorist? I am trained well by the government's propaganda of watching out for terrorists and strange packages. I of course immediately dismissed this idea in my mind, because he wasn't a bearded arab, and the government only tells us to be on the look out for 'those kind of people'. Which is stupid because now all the terrorists will dress up as clowns and blow up places. And the red make up will smear all over the place. (So that fake blood will mingle with real blood?) My thoughts went back to the man in front of me: maybe he is some kind of secret agent with a super secret mission that he has to accomplish for a secret organization?
Why are there so many secrets in the world? I would like to unravel them all. Some people don't want to know everything, they say that it's okay if there are secrets in the world. I am not one of them. I want to know everything. Why is the main question in my life. And I'm afraid that's the only word my head will be filled with one day.
Suddenly the black lady drew my attention upon her. She began speaking in African (I believe). Mobile phones still freak me out. If I don't see someone physically holding it my immediate thought is oh she must be talking to herself. I guess I'm not that well adjusted to modern technology. I desperately wanted to know what she was saying.
I can't even remember if she sounded happy or sad. But I wanted her to be happy. So let's pretend she said: yes honey, I'm right on time and I will arrive shortly instead of yes, my son died four years ago (is it selfish of me to write this? Is it selfish of me that I want her to be happy?). I was listening to the clicking sounds of her language and was about to start wondering how my language sounded to people who don't understand it. How weird all languages sound to people who don't understand it and how I can listen to my own language without understanding it. Could I distance myself away from it and look at it from a stranger's perspective? Then suddenly a new stranger's voice filled my mind (with a language I did understand): Dear passengers we have arrived at our destination, we thank you for riding with us and wish you a pleasant day.
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| Au revoir |
[Thursday
January 1st, 2009 at 4:58pm] |
A time for new beginnings, well not for me. I'm right in the middle of my story. We are nearing the climax, as the puzzle is about to fall in its place while the (non existant) reader is guessing and guessing who the culprit is. Is it the butler? The steph mother? the husband? who? who? who? I have decided today that this journal will not be used for stupid emo entries. I have indulged myself in my sorrow and it was nice but I have a paper journal to do that. I created this journal because a) I wanted to practice writing in foreign languages, which as you can see is not going well and b) because I needed a livejournal for those two years of hell, which is going to end in four months. A place where I could talk about how stupid the world is, how stupid I am and films and books and museums and things. You know. THINGS. Important things like what I had for breakfast. I really hope I will get what I want in 2009, but more importantly that I will have the motivation to go after it. I hope everyone will get what they want.
So, at the end of 2008 and at the beginning of 2009 I was listening to Radiohead:
and reading a photography book by Péter Nádas
(I recommend both things! Happy New Year world!)
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| I'm losing shape |
[Tuesday
December 23rd, 2008 at 3:25pm] |
Instead of being afraid, I should be glad. This is how being alive feels like. I'm living in a time where I don't know if I'll pass or not, and the funny thing is that I do have control over it. Don't be a whiny little kid, N. When you'll look back on it, whatever will happen, you will miss the sense of not knowing what will happen.
I want to conquer fear.
So I might as well start here.
"One must live as if it would be forever, and as if each moment might be the last" is what the fictionalized Alexander the Great said in Mary Renault's trilogy. I bet the real one said something akin to that phrase only even cooler.
Yesterday night, after I came back from the cinema where I had a wonderful night with friends (oh how I have missed them) I listened to Radiohead's new album (oh how I love it) and took photographs of my misty street late at night (oh how I felt alive).
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| Yesyesyesnonono |
[Sunday
November 16th, 2008 at 7:01pm] |
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I almost forgot about this journal. Almost. I'm just busy with motivating myself, which is not going as well as planned seeing as I'm refreshing my email and livejournal accounts instead of studying. That's all I can say about my interesting life.
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| Yes, I'm talking to you |
[Friday
September 26th, 2008 at 7:43pm] |
You know what's disgusting? When you politely ask old people how they are doing and they start griping and moaning about whatever physical discomfort they have at that particular moment.
"My fungus infection is playing up again. Ugh, I can't even walk because of it."
"Oh my poor arms, yeah I broke it 1754 and then the doctor decided to fix it, no hold on, I will tell you step by step what they actually did"
TMI, people. I know that you get special rights once you get older. But it's disgusting when you're young, and it's disgusting when you are old. So hush, and let me just keep thinking that getting old is fun. Somewhere deep, tucked away in my mind I think that great people, who actually changed the course of history don't get very old. And when people (not just the great ones) do get old, they become depressed. I don't want to be depressed if I get old. The other day I saw an eminent art history professor on tv talking about German art, and he was so happy and funny. Enjoying life to its fullest, I guess. I want to be like him. Not just in the future, but now as well. I don't really think that human beings are afraid of death or aging. We are just scared of the physical discomfort that comes along when we breathe out our last breath. Or maybe that's just me.
Ooh, I'm so deep, ahum.
I'm addicted to the no handlebars by the Flobots.
I really want to paint, write, read, and watch japanese movies, but my personal interest will be on hold for the coming days. I have to finish all my assignment and then, hell week number one will start. I will just have to keep my fingers and toes crossed for myself. Yeah, it's hard to type this way. Ha. ha. ha. School has taken away my sense of humor
I have a thing for car commercials, because I enjoy listening to classical music while landscapes rush by.
THIS JOURNAL ENTRY IS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I DON'T CARE NANANANANANANAAAAAH
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| Blablablah I'm too lazy to come up with a title, hey you have something on your face little girl! |
[Friday
September 19th, 2008 at 5:57pm] |
I decided it was finally time to update. My legs are tired and my head tells me it wants some trash tv so I will make this short and snappy, the only reason I'm updating is so that I won't forget this moment. Nevermind the fact that I have a lovely paper journal (with shiny cats on it ooh! I will buy everything as long as it is shiny. What did you say? A shiny purple weapon of mass destruction? HOW MUCH? Juuuuuust kidding. Weapons suck! Make love not war or whatever hippies say. Not that I'm a pacifist or anything (everyone's a pacifist between wars. It's like being a vegetarian between meals). Okay here it goes:
School has started, it's okay. I can't believe that this is my last year. It feels like it's going to go on forever.
I have not finished my supersecretsshshh project yet. I should sometime soon, but I have tons of things to do for school.
I feel like reading a book but I can't get away from the computer. It's too addicting. (<- the story of my life).
I have been watching loads of documentaries about the new superpowers. I love tegenlicht and netwerk and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I feel really awkward, even more awkward then when I was thirteen. Life is really strange.
For the first time in my life I'm actually grateful for the things I have. Yes, there could be lots of improvements and no, my life has not been perfect at all. But I don't like to complain, when others have it so much worse.
I wish I would get better. My ears have been a problem this whole summer and I finally went to the doctor and got them cleaned but I still can't hear properly with my left ear. It's really annoying so I'm getting a tympanogram. I'm scared, it took all my courage to get my ears cleaned, and now this. Remember how it feels like to hold a rabbit in your arms, and the poor thing is trembling all over its body. That's how I usually feel when it comes to life.
So that's pretty much it. I just want to get healthy, pass all my exams with high grades, exercise a lot, and hope that May will come soon.
Not that anything is going to get better next year, but I desperately need a fresh start. My clothes are torn and I can't wait to get clean. It will be like a baptism only better haha.
Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.
So that's pretty much it. Now I'm off to drink lots of tea with honey (I hope I won't get sick), steam, and read a book by Louis Couperus. Yay for Dutch literature!
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| Pearls want to be like you. |
[Sunday
August 31st, 2008 at 5:10pm] |
So I'm back from my vacation, am I ready to jump in the water and hold my breath till June again? No, I don't think so. I was always scared of going to my swimming lessons because I was scared of not coming up again when I dived down. But at this point, taking the dive with the risk of getting lost is better than staying up here. So tomorrow, I will go and jump. Jump so hard that everyone standing around me will get so wet that they will even have to change their polka dotted underwear.
I'm ashamed of the mistakes I made this past year, and I'm scared of making those same mistakes this year. I want to break the pattern. This year is going to suck, but I'm going to make the most of it.
I always make resultions when a new school year starts. And yes, it could be the usual: learn this, do that, create more art. I still want those things, but what I would really like to achieve beside that is independence. From everyone, everything.
On a more lighter note, the materialistic whore inside of me would like these things:
Fawlty Towers season 1
Black Adder season 1
Dead Souls
Descent Into Chaos
The Complete Works of Jalal Rumi
Victims of a Map
Forgiveness Parade
And more but I'm too lazy to list it all.
I will try to blog here reguraly. Whatever the outcome will be in June, I would like to remember this year. Uhm, that's how I feel right now, I might change my mind later this year.
Anyway, now I'm off to read and search for a life.
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cheiroo's journal